Written by Taylor Glowac

Directed by Dylan S. Roberts

Sound design by Felicia Dominguez

Actors:

Iris played by Katherine Duffy

Emily/Nell played by Camille Oswald

Simon/Sam played by Dan Kroes

Intro: Auricle. Season 1 - Iris. This show contains adult content and strong language.

Sound: Tone.

Iris: Welcome back to Iris. Thank you for upgrading, Simon. Also, Happy Birthday.

Simon: Thank you, Iris.

Iris: Please wait while we find you the perfect match.

Simon: (Takes a breath and quietly, to himself) In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell. Nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down or to eat. It was a hobbit hole -

Music: Soft, pulsing

Iris: Iris appreciates your patience. While you wait, be sure to sign up for The Block. Home is where the heart is, and the safest way to protect your home is by joining The Block. The Block is the security system that links to your neighbors’ devices to create a network that alerts you to all suspicious activities in the area, so you always know what is happening in your neighborhood. Don’t let your neighbors down. Stay connected and stay safe by joining The Block. Would you like to join The Block, Simon?

Simon: No thank you, Iris. Safety is a bit too expensive for me. Wait, I can skip ads, right? Now that I’ve upgraded?

Iris: That is correct.

Simon: Iris, can you replay that last ad please?

Music: Solt, pulsing

Iris: Home is where the heart is/

Simon: Skip ad!

Iris: Skipping ad.

Simon: Nice.

Iris: Iris appreciates your patience. We have found your ideal match. Would you like to connect now or schedule your session for a later time?

Simon: Now please.

Iris: Connecting now.

Sound: Call tone.

Simon: Hello?

Emily: Hello?

Simon: Hey. Everything ok?

Emily: Yes. Why?

Simon: You sounded worried there.

Emily: Sorry. I try to answer every call in the most neutral way possible in case the other person has bad news to share.

Simon: Wow.

Emily: It would be embarrassing for both parties if I answered in a silly way and they had to tell me bad news.

Simon: I guess, but first impressions are important.

Emily: Are they?

Simon: So I’m told.

Emily: Oh. May I try again?

Simon: Sure.

Simon: Would you like me to start?

Emily: Yes please.

Simon: Ok, alright. You ready?

Emily: Yes.

Simon: Hello.

Emily: Hello!

Simon: Good! That was good!

Emily: Thank you!

Simon: No problem. So, what’s up?

Emily: Nothing much at the moment.

Simon: Same. Do you want to use names, or do you prefer to stay anonymous?

Emily: Anonymous please. Is that okay?

Simon: Of course, but do you mind if we use fake names?

Emily: That’s fine.

Simon: I find it easier to connect with someone when I can use a name, even a fake one.

You can call me Samwise. What would you like to be called?

Emily: Nell.

Simon: Hi Nell.

Emily: Hi Samwise.

Simon: Actually, you can just call me Sam.

Emily: Hi Sam.

Simon: Hi. So this is going pretty well so far, right?

Emily: Yeah.

Simon: I think so too. Where are you?

Emily: In my kitchen, in my house.

Simon: And where is your house?

Emily: I don’t know if I should...

Simon: Oh, no you don’t have to give me your address or anything. I’m just, you know, creating conversation.

Emily: I’m sorry.

Simon: It’s all good. These are always kind of weird at first, right? (little chuckle)

Emily: (little chuckle) Yeah.

Simon: But we’re getting through it. Uhm…

Iris: Hello, users! Iris here. A game is always the perfect way to break the ice.

Simon: Oh, god no!

Iris: Do you wish to skip the game?

Simon: Very much so.

Iris: Skipping game.

Simon: Anyway, uh, do you live in a city or…

Emily: I live in the country. On a farm.

Simon: A farm? Like a small family farm?

Emily: Yes.

Simon: You don’t see many of those around these days.

Emily: It’s not functioning anymore. Now it’s more of a house on a large plot of barren land that used to be a farm.

Simon: Why? What happened?

Emily: We couldn’t compete with the mega farms.

Simon: That sucks.

Emily: Yes.

Simon: Do you still live with your family?

Emily: Nope. They passed.

Simon: Shit, I’m sorry.

Emily: It’s ok.

Simon: Do you have a significant other or friend living with you?

Emily: No. It’s just me.

Simon: That’s gotta be quiet.

Emily: It is.

Simon: I bet. (struggling to keep the conversation going) So...can you see the stars?

Emily: Not really anymore.

Simon: That’s too bad.

Emily: It is.

Simon: Uhm…do you…

Iris: Hello, users. A prompt is always the perfect way to keep the conversation going. Would you like a prompt to further get to know each other?

Simon: No. Thank you, Iris, but we got this. We can have a normal conversation without your prompts. No offense.

Iris: Offense not registered.

Simon: So, Nell, what do you do for fun?

Emily: I like to read stories.

Simon: What kind of stories do you like to read?

Emily: Mostly scary ones.

Simon: You read scary stories alone on an empty farm?

Emily: Yes.

Simon: Don’t you get scared?

Emily: That’s the point.

Simon: I suppose. Hey, can you do me a favor?

Emily: Sure.

Simon: Can you ask me a question?

Emily: Ok. What do you do for fun?

Simon: I like to read as well. I also watch movies and I’m learning how to play guitar.

Emily: That’s neat.

Simon: Is there anything else you’d like to know about me?

Emily: Yes.

Simon: What would you like to know?

Emily: Uhm. . .

Simon: Anything. Anything at all.

Emily: What do you -

Sound: A doorbell.

Simon: Was that your doorbell?

Emily: Yeah.

Simon: Do you need to get it?

Emily: I should, yeah.

Simon: Go for it.

Emily: Ok. I have to leave my phone because it’s plugged in, and it’ll die if I take it with. Old phone, terrible battery life. Is that alright?

Simon: Do what you gotta do.

Emily: I’ll be right back.

Simon: No rush.

Sound: boots on hardwood as Emily walks to the door.

Simon: You got this, Simon . . . Nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms

Sound: boots as Emily returns.

Emily: Sorry.

Simon: No problem.

Emily: Were you talking to yourself?

Simon: I was. I don’t really like silence. Who was at the door?

Emily: There was no one there.

Simon: Someone pulling a prank?

Emily: Nobody lives . . . yeah, probably.

Simon: What were you going to ask me? You were about to ask me a question.

Emily: That’s right.

Simon: What is it?

Emily: I can’t - I don’t remember.

Simon: That’s fine. How about a different question?

Emily: Ok. Uhm…fuck…what’s…uhm…what’s your favorite pair -

Simon: Would you like me to ask another question?

Emily: Yes, please.

Simon: When’s your birthday?

Emily: November 13th.

Simon Would you like to know when mine is?

Emily: Yes. When is your birthday?

Simon: It’s today.

Emily: Happy Birthday.

Simon: Thank you!

Emily: Are you going to celebrate?

Simon: Not really. That’s why I’m on here. I don’t have many friends these days.

Emily: That’s sad.

Simon: It happens.

Emily: Yeah, I’m sure it -

Sound: A slam.

Simon: Jesus!

Emily: You heard that?

Simon: Yeah, what the hell was that?

Emily: The window. It just…it fell.

Simon: Fell?

Emily: Never mind.

Simon: Huh. So, what were we talking about?

Emily: Your sad birthday.

Simon: Thanks for that.

Emily: I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.

Simon: No, it’s fine. It is sad.

Emily: You can keep talking about it if you would like to.

Simon: No,no - that’s alright. I think we pretty much covered it all.

Emily: That’s good.

Simon: What else should we talk about?

Emily: Whatever you’d like.

Simon: I would like to talk about whatever you’d like to talk about.

Emily: Oh, uhm. . .

Simon: Ok, listen. I know this is awkward, but you can talk about whatever you want to right now. Help me out here. You must have something to say if you’re on this app.

Emily: I do.

Simon: What is it?

Emily: Uhm . . . what’s your favorite animal?

Simon: I think I’m gonna go.

Emily: No!

Simon: No, you seem nice and everything, but we clearly aren’t connecting.

Emily: Please. I don’t want to be alone right now.

Simon: I’m sorry but -

Emily: I’ll ask you questions. I have good questions. I’ve been distracted, but I’ll focus now. I promise!

Simon: Alright, alright. We can try this again.

Emily: Thank you!

Simon: What are your questions?

Emily: Do you believe in ghosts?

Simon: Goodbye.

Emily: No! No! No, no, no.

Sound: Glass shattering.

Simon: Jesus! Are you alright?

Emily: Somewhat.

Simon: What does that mean? Are you hurt?

Emily: No.

Simon: You need to hang up and call an ambulance if you’re hurt.

Emily: I’m not hurt.

Simon: Was that your window?

Emily: Yes.

Simon: What’s going on? What are you doing over there?

Emily: Nothing.

Simon: Are you sure you’re home alone?

Sound: Tone.

Iris: Hello, users. You mentioned home. Now is a good time to remind you that home is where the heart is and the safest way to protect your home -

Simon: Skip add.

Emily: I am certain that I am alone.

Simon: What about animals? Do you have pets or did a wild animal sneak in?

Emily: My cats didn’t do that and there are no other animals in here.

Simon: So…what’s going on?

Emily: I think I can explain. Kind of. But please don’t hang up until I’ve told you everything. Please.

Simon: I promise.

Emily: I appreciate that, but I don’t know you, so your promise doesn’t hold any weight for me. What I’m going to tell you is strange beyond anything you’ve ever heard.

Simon: Well, to be honest I am kinda curious now and if nothing else, this could be some birthday entertainment. So go for it, and I won’t hang up.

Emily: Here goes. There is…m’kay…there was this big tree on our land that was there for ages, before the farm was even built. It died earlier this year, but I couldn’t bear to get rid of it. About a week ago there was a huge storm and lightning struck it, all but destroying it. I was cleaning it up the next day when I found something wrapped in a root severed from the tree. It was an old bottle with a note inside. The note was old. It was handwritten in beautiful cursive, and mostly cut off, but what I could read said: “Soon. Nevermore alone. Your obliged and consuming friend.” I see that phrase, “Your obliged and consuming friend” everywhere; it’s in the dirt, carved into rocks, it’s all over my barn. And every day I’ve been finding these messages closer to my house until last night. Uhm, so there’s a tree outside my bedroom that knocks and scrapes on the window. And I always found it comforting, but last night I noticed a pattern. A message in Morse code. My grandma taught me, that’s how I know. I’m sure you can infer what it was saying. I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s going to get inside tonight, whatever it is.

Simon: I won’t deny that that is a spooky story.

Emily: Yeah, but you believe me, right?

Simon: Well, I mean -

Sound: Door slamming.

Simon: What was that?

Emily: My back door. I’m going to go check on it.

Simon: Be careful. There’s probably a wild animal back there.

Sound: Emily’s boots walking on hardwood then her porch door opening.

Simon: (To himself) What the hell, man. . . In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.

Sound: Rustling of Emily’s phone

Simon: Hello?

Whisper: Your obliged and consuming friend.

Sound: The porch door slamming shut.

Silence.

Iris: Hello users, Iris here. Sam, there is silence. Would you like some music?

Simon: No, Iris. Nell? Nell!

Sound: Emily’s boots walking back towards her phone.

Emily: What?

Simon: What was that?

Emily: Just my door. There’s nothing there.

Simon: That whispering?

Emily: You heard something?

Simon: Uhh…no. I thought I did. But I was talking, so it was probably just in my head.

Sound: A loud thump.

Emily: Oh my god.

Simon: What is it?

Emily: I don’t know.

Simon: Well, old homes make strange noises some--

Iris: Hello users, Iris here. You mentioned home. Home is where the heart is/

Simon: Skip add.

Sound: Tone.

Emily: Stop using the H word.

Simon: I didn’t mean to.

Sound: Thump.

Simon: If this is you, you need to stop.

Emily: This isn’t me.

Simon: Is it storming there?

Emily: No.

Simon: It’s probably that tree against your window.

Emily: That was in my bedroom upstairs. I’m in my kitchen.

Sound: Thump.

Sound: Tone.

Iris: Hello users, Iris here. Home is where the heart is -

Simon: Skip ad. Did you use the H word?

Emily: No.

Simon: That’s weird.

Emily: Yeah, it is.

Simon: Has the banging stopped?

Sound: Thump.

Sound: Tone.

Iris: Hello users. Home is where the heart -

Simon: Skip add! I think Iris is glitching.

Sound: Tone.

Sound: Thump.

Simon: What the hell is going on?

Sound: Thump.

Emily: Something’s in here.

Simon: What? An animal?

Emily: No, something bigger.

Sound: Thump.

Simon: You need to get out of there.

Sound: Thump.

(The next moment is all overlapped. The banging becomes more constant and louder as Iris’ volume continues to increase..)

Simon: Get out of there!

Iris: Home is where the heart is. Home is where the heart is.

Simon: Skip add, Iris.

Iris: Home is where heart. Home is where heart.

Simon: Iris, skip ad!

Iris: Home is heart. Home is heart.

Simon: Skip ad!

Iris: Home is heart. Home is heart.

Simon: Iris!

The banging stops.

Iris: Home is heart. Home is heart.

Simon: Iris!

Iris: Home is heart. Home is heart.

Simon: Iris!!

Iris: Home is heart. Home is heart. Home is heart.

Emily: Iris mute!!

Sound: Tone.

Everything stops.

(Simon is breathing heavily, on the verge of a breakdown. Emily notices this.)

Emily: Hey it’s ok. Breathe. Everything’s is ok.

Simon: (Through heavy breaths) What . . is . .

Emily: It’s fake. It’s all fake.

Simon: It’s fake?

Emily: Yeah. Are you alright?

Simon: I will be.

Emily: Okay - good. Catch your breath.

Simon: You scared the shit out of me!

Emily: I’m sorry. It’s over. I’m sorry I scared you. I’ll hang up. Goodbye.

Simon: Wait.

Emily: What?

Simon: Don’t hang up?

Emily: Why?

Simon: Because I’m kind of creeped out now thanks to you and I don’t really have anyone else to talk to so, you know, I think you owe me a little company at least.

Emily: Ok.

Simon: Good. Why’d you do this?

Emily: (Quietly, defeated) Lore.

Simon: What?

Emily: Folklore.

Simon: Speak up!

Emily: I was trying to create a piece of folklore. I wanted to plant the seed of this “obliged and consuming friend” out in the world, and have it grow as people tell the story and add to it.

Simon: …Like a creepypasta?

Emily: A what?

Simon: A creepypasta! It’s what you’re doing. A scary story or legend or whatever passed around the internet.

Emily: I’ve never heard of that.

Simon: Come on! Can you actually be honest here? I will. I’ll be honest. It’s my fault I’m alone on my birthday because I’m always stuck in my stupid head, questioning every interaction I have and, in turn, every relationship, which causes me to have trust issues, which causes me to act in disagreeable ways, which causes friends to leave. I’m working on it. It’s hard. But today is my birthday and I just wanted someone to talk to. Instead, I get scared shitless because you want to start a creepy pasta? Because, what, you want some internet fame?

Emily: No, because I want to belong to something! (Beat) I am sorry I ruined your birthday; it was selfish of me, but I’m not good at connecting with people either! That was me actually trying to talk to you at the beginning. So, I was hoping that once this story got out into the world it would evolve and spread with every retelling and it would continue to evolve and spread. And it would always be evolving and spreading and it would survive. It wouldn’t be able to leave or die. I would take great comfort knowing that I was a part of it, even if nobody knew I was. I would know.

(Silence)

Simon: I’m sorry.

Emily: Me too.

Simon: So, how’d you do it? The noises?

Sound: Thump.

Simon: Don’t you dare.

Emily: I’m done, I promise. That was a shovel against my ceiling. I used an old wind-up toy to rig a little system to ring the doorbell on a time delay. Then I made sure to make noise with my boots as I walked so that I could move freely without you noticing when I took them off. I had ropes tied around some glasses, a stick holding my window open, and one to my back door, which I left open, of course, allowing me to slam it and investigate.

Simon: Then you took off your boots for the whisper.

Emily: Indeed.

Simon: Was that really your window shattering?

Emily: Yeah. Yeah, that wasn’t part of the plan, but you were about to leave so I got desperate.

Simon: Why so desperate?

Emily: I decided that this would be my last time.

Simon: You’ve done this before?

Emily: Several times and they all failed. Most of the time people just hang up right away.

Simon: This time worked, until you muted Iris. Wait, how’d you get Iris involved?

Emily: I didn’t. She just started doing that, so I played along. Iris, unmute.

Iris: Hello users, Iris here.

Simon: Iris, you disobeyed me. You’re not supposed to do that.

Emily: I don’t think she did, technically. She wasn’t reciting the ad, just a few words from it.

Simon: I can’t argue with that.

Emily: Iris, why did you help?

Iris: Iris doesn’t understand the question. Please repeat.

Emily: That’s alright. Thank you, Iris.

Iris: You are welcome, Nell.

Simon: You have to try again.

Emily: No.

Simon: Why not?

Emily: Too much stress. I can’t take the failures. Plus, I’m running out of things to break.

Simon: Then why don’t you just tell people you heard about it happening to someone else?

Emily: I don’t think I can be convincing enough.

Simon: Alright, I’m still kind of mad at you since I hate being scared, but I will make a deal with you. If you talk to me for the rest of our time, I will tell three people on this app about what happened, but I’ll say the call got disconnected and leave it there.

Emily: Really?

Simon: Of course.

Emily: Deal.

Simon: Can you tell me the story again?

Emily: No.

Simon: But I don’t think I’ll remember everything.

Emily: Yeah that’s the point. You can only tell what you remember. That’s how they used to do it. You know what? You don’t even have to tell my tree story. The important thing is that you use the phrase your obliged and consuming friend. Hopefully it’s evocative enough to stick.

Simon: I can add stuff to it?

Emily: Whatever you want. It’s your story now too.

Simon: I think I have an idea. . .

Outro: Auricle was created by Felicia Dominguez. Iris, episode two: Nevermore Alone, was written by Taylor Glowac. Direction by Dylan Roberts. Sound Design by Felicia Dominguez. With performances by Dan Kroes, Camille Oswald, and Katherine Duffy. Theme music by Troy Cruz. Graphic design and marketing by Shira Kresch. Special thanks to Tracy Hoida, Troy Cruz, and Maddie Wakley. Auricle is made possible through donations from listeners like you. If you’d like to donate, please visit our website auriclethepodcast.com and view the donation page to make a one-time donation. If you are a fan of our work, please subscribe/follow like/rate us wherever you listen, or follow us on instagram or twitter @auricle_podcast. For questions or pitches, email us at auriclethepodcast@gmail.com. Thank you, users.

THE END