Written by Tracy Hoida

Directed by Felicia Dominguez

Sound design by Troy Cruz

Actors:

Iris played by Katherine Duffy

Julian played by Shane Richlen

Dee played by Robin Feltman

Intro: Auricle, season one - Iris. This show contains adult content and strong language.

Sound: Old-school dial-up, followed by a cacophony of other connection/messaging.

Music: Commercially manufactured Zen-like music.

IRIS: There is a new way to make a human connection. Welcome to Iris, an anonymous voice chat application that allows users to communicate with another anonymous person for an intimate 2-hour period. Speak freely without the stress of long-term expectations or social niceties standing in the way. It’s simple to start. Iris will access the user’s social media and choose the ideal match. And for a short-time only, the first session is free. Iris is here to connect you. Download Iris today and connect with a person chosen just for you.

Sound: Keystroke clicks on a smartphone.

Sound: Iris app launching with a harmonic tone.

IRIS: Welcome to Iris. Thank you for completing setup, Julian. Please wait while Iris finds you the perfect match.

IRIS: While you wait, why not have a snack? Pox Dots are a healthy and affordable snack proven to satisfy your hunger and allow for more time between fattening, unhealthy meals. Would you like to hear more about Pox Dots?

JULIAN: No. Skip ad.

IRIS: I’m sorry, Julian. You are currently on the free trial version of IRIS and do not have the ability to mute our sponsor’s messages.

JULIAN: Iris?

IRIS: Yes, Julian?

JULIAN: How much longer?

IRIS: Iris is very close to finding you an ideal match to connect with. Iris appreciates your patience. Iris knows you are excited by the possibilities offered through a customized connection with a stranger. Before we get started, let’s review Iris’s features

JULIAN: Iris? Stop.

IRIS: Alright. Would you like some music while you wait?

JULIAN: Sure.

IRIS: Music on IRIS is provided by Legacy Records.

Music: Electronic music.

Music: Cuts off.

IRIS: Julian, we have found your ideal match on Iris. You are user A. In this trial version, you must connect immediately with user B and do not have the option to schedule your session for a later time. Would you like to upgrade to the full version to unlock this feature?

JULIAN: No.

IRIS: Okay. Connecting you now. Please note, in this trial version IRIS may pop in to enhance your session or moderate your conversation in order to give you the full experience of a connection on IRIS.

Sound: Call tone.

Sound: Call tone ends.

JULIAN: Hello? Is anybody there?

Sound: Shuffling.

DEE: Oh shit, sorry I thought it would work on speaker but this thing really wants you to hold the damn phone up to your ear.

JULIAN: Oh. Hello.

DEE: Hi, what’s up?

JULIAN: Not much. You?

Sound: Train.

DEE: Not...much either. Kind of the reason I’m here. Ya know?

JULIAN: It’s nighttime here. Is it night where you are?

DEE: Yeah. It’s late actually.

Sound: Train.

DEE: What was that?

JULIAN: I’m outside. I live near the train.

DEE: Man, you can go outside? We’re on air quality lockdown until we get some wind going through this area. Too much stank in the air.

JULIAN: Do you like to go outside?

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

DEE: So-so. I’m a bit of a tech head actually.

JULIAN: Are you a beta-tester for Iris?

DEE: No. Why?

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

JULIAN: I just want to talk to a real person.

DEE: Well, are you a beta-tester?

JULIAN: No.

DEE: Cool. But it’d be neat to be a beta-tester. I’m just a hardware tech right now.

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

JULIAN: I’m a...I was a botanist.

DEE: Sounds mighty more impressive, no idea what it means...

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

JULIAN: It’s nothing.

DEE: Iris, what’s a botanist ?

IRIS: A botanist is someone who studies plants.

DEE: Shit, I just realized I could have just asked you what it was.

JULIAN: Interesting.

DEE: I’m so used to AIs these days. It seems like they are the only people willing to give you

straight answers.

JULIAN: Things.

DEE: What?

JULIAN: Well, Iris isn’t a people. A person. Iris is just an app, a thing.

DEE: Yeah, but like don’t all people do that? Make objects into people? I bet you talk to your plants.

JULIAN: I do.

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

DEE: So you like, personify them like I do program AIs.

JULIAN: They say that talking to plants can help them grow.

DEE: And interacting with an AI helps it to grow.

JULIAN: Right.

DEE: Am I annoying you?

JULIAN: No.

IRIS: Hello, users! Iris here. Let’s take this opportunity to express ourselves to each other. Please share your most recent triumph and your most recent struggle.

DEE: Is this a social app or a job interview?

JULIAN: Well?

DEE: Are we really doing that prompt?

JULIAN: My most recent triumph…

DEE: Guess we are.

JULIAN: I don’t see the point in fighting against the program.

DEE: That’s fair. Alright go on.

JULIAN: My most recent triumph has been cultivating a specimen that grows three times the pace of its predecessor.

DEE: So you made a plant grow faster?

JULIAN: Yes.

DEE: Neat.

JULIAN: That’s all I’m getting? Neat?

DEE: Well maybe if I had a like frame of reference for how fast that is and how fast it was before I’d be more blown away.

JULIAN: It usually takes seven to eight months to grow to harvest.

DEE: And now?

JULIAN: Two-months.

DEE: Now I can tell that is impressive. Good on you. Congratulations.

JULIAN: Thank you. What about you?

Sound: Train on tracks.

DEE: Oh man, let’s see great triumph...ummmmm....

Sound: Computer keystrokes

JULIAN: It can be anything. I didn’t mean to set the bar too high

DEE: No, it’s just like work is work and play is play and it all just kind of goes at a steady pace. I’m trying to think of a high-point.

JULIAN: That sounds depressing

DEE: Well. Not really. I mean it’s not a low place to be. It just is a place to be. In the middle of good and bad I guess. Content. I’m content.

JULIAN: My mother always said I was content.

DEE: That’s parent talk for didn’t cry much and weren’t too much of a bother.

JULIAN: I remember crying.

DEE: She probably meant when you were a real little kid. Parents make assumptions of how their kids are going to be early on.

Sound: Train whistle.

JULIAN: You think so?

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

DEE: I know so. My ma thought I’d be an artist because I painted this huge mural thing in my bedroom when I was five. Little did she know I’d be painting the inside of servers with code for my bread and butter.

JULIAN: Did you like painting when you were a kid?

DEE: What my ma fails to remember when she tells that story is that she was cleaning out the basement and had put all the old paint cans in the living room. Then she left a five year old with minimal supervision near them. What’d she think was gonna happen?

JULIAN: Maybe that was the high point. Your greatest triumph.

DEE: That’s depressing. Peaking at five. Geez.

JULIAN: Well is there anything else you can think of?

DEE: ...I saw the stars five times one night with this dude...

Sound: Train whistle.

JULIAN: I’m sorry, you saw the stars? What -

DEE: Oh, you know, right? Saw the stars? Ya know? You never heard that one?

JULIAN: That what?

DEE: Well...

JULIAN: What?

DEE: I’m afraid if I say it Iris is going to get pissed.

JULIAN: Say what?!

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

DEE: Fine. This dude made me climax like five

Sound: Error tone.

IRIS: Sorry to interrupt, users, but explicit content is not allowed in this trial version. Would you like to upgrade to the full version to unlock this feature?

DEE: Uh. Well.

JULIAN: No, thank you.

DEE: Spoil sport.

JULIAN: Seriously? Is that the kind of thing you were hoping for?

DEE: Alright, don’t get judgey

JULIAN: I’m not. Really. I’m just wondering if that kind of thing is what you were hoping for.

Sound: Train bells.

DEE: Naw, I mean they make apps specifically for that kind of stuff ya know. No reason to sneak attack some stranger on this thing with that kind of stuff.

JULIAN: So to recap your greatest triumph was seeing the stars five times in one night.

DEE: Yeah. I mean. I guess. If I come up with something else or something better I’ll let you

know.

Sound: Computer keystrokes

JULIAN: Okay.

DEE: What about you?

JULIAN: What about me?

DEE: How many times have you seen the stars in one night?

JULIAN: You said you weren’t here for that kind of -

DEE: I’m not asking for details, I'm just curious. Come on. I think my five times is a triumph. I’m just wondering how we compare...

Sound: Train on tracks.

JULIAN: Prepare to be disappointed.

DEE: Don’t tell me you’ve never, ya know, seen the stars?

JULIAN: I have. But they were ...solo missions. ...All companion flights were... overcast skies.

DEE: Damn.

JULIAN: Indeed. Damn.

DEE: So I’m sure it’s gonna lighten the mood if we share our most recent struggles

JULIAN: Do you have any? I mean you just said you were content...

Sound: Computer keystrockes

DEE: Yeah, but I guess, well. I think being content is a struggle too.

Sound: Train on tracks.

JULIAN: Do you mean staying content is a struggle?

DEE: No, living content is. Not expecting any highs or lows. I think that’s my struggle.

JULIAN: If you’re not content in being content are you really actually content?

DEE: Well, crap. Okay. Maybe I’m not content. Damn is this what Iris meant by a perfect match? Someone to call out all my bullshit?

JULIAN: I have a very limited social media presence so …

DEE: I’m the opposite. Maybe that’s why Iris matched us.

JULIAN: Maybe.

DEE: Okay now that you shat on my parade, let’s hear it. Your greatest struggle.

JULIAN: That the world is made in such a way that my greatest triumph will in the end, mean nothing.

DEE: Damn. Come on.

Sound: Computer keystrokes

JULIAN: What? Did you expect my answer to be an uplifting one?

DEE: Well, naw, but I didn’t expect you to cancel out your triumph with some sad shit.

JULIAN: Haha. Sorry.

DEE: Wait. What am I missing?

Sound: Train passing by on Julian’s end.

JULIAN: What do you mean?

DEE: Why won’t your super fast growing plant mean anything?

JULIAN: Capitalism.

DEE: Huh?

Sound: Tone

IRIS: Hello, users! Iris here. Let’s take this opportunity to play a little game.

DEE: Oh joy.

IRIS: Iris is going to speak to each of you one at a time and ask you a series of fun questions. Then Iris will ask you to guess what the other user’s answers will be.

JULIAN: And we should play this game because...?

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

IRIS: The user with the most correct answers will be able to unlock one special feature to use for the remainder of your session.

DEE: Sold. I love free stuff.

JULIAN: Technically not free. We have to play for it. Do you really want to waste time

DEE: Oh come on, let’s play.

JULIAN: Okay. Fine.

IRIS: Great! Let’s get started.

Sound: Tone.

IRIS: You’re up first, Julian.

JULIAN: I thought we weren’t supposed to know each other’s names?

Sound: Train on tracks

IRIS: The other user has already been put on hold and cannot hear us. Are you ready for the first question?

JULIAN: I guess.

IRIS: For breakfast, pancakes or waffles?

JULIAN: So it’s a this or that thing?

IRIS: Yes. ...For breakfast, pancakes or waffles?

JULIAN: Waffles.

IRIS: Sounds yum. Would you rather go on vacation to a cabin in the woods or a tropical island?

JULIAN: Cabin in the woods.

IRIS: So relaxing. In public would you rather kiss your partner on the cheek or on the lips?

JULIAN: Cheek.

Sound: Train passing by on Julian’s end.

IRIS: How romantic. If the world was ending today would you rather be with family or a friend?

JULIAN: ...Friend.

IRIS: How sweet. Okay, now Iris needs you to guess what the other user’s answers will be. Here’s the first question again -

JULIAN: Pancakes, tropical island, lips...friend.

Sound: Tone.

IRIS: Great job, Julian.

IRIS: Your turn, Dee.

DEE: Shoot.

Sound: Tone

IRIS: For breakfast, pancakes or waffles?

DEE: Huh, pancakes.

IRIS: Sounds yum. Would you rather go on vacation to a cabin in the woods or a tropical island?

DEE: Tropical island.

IRIS: So relaxing. In public would you rather kiss your partner on the cheek or on the lips?

DEE: Well. Cheek.

Sound: Computer keystrokes

IRIS: How romantic. If the world was ending today would you rather be with family or a friend?

DEE: Geez. A friend I guess.

IRIS: How sweet. Okay, now Iris needs you to guess what the other user’s answers will be. Here’s the first question again. ...For breakfast, pancakes or waffles?

DEE: Waffles

IRIS: Would they rather go on vacation to a cabin in the woods or -

DEE: Cabin in the woods.

IRIS: In public would they rather kiss their partner on the cheek or on the lips?

DEE: Cheek.

IRIS: If the world was ending today would they rather be with family or a friend?

DEE: Friend.

Sound: Tone

IRIS: Great job, Dee. Let’s get the gang back together now.

Sound: Tone.

JULIAN: Hello?

DEE: Hey.

JULIAN: Hey.

Sound: Computer keystrokes

IRIS: Alright. Let’s tally up your scores! ...When asked pancakes or waffles, user A said waffles and user B said pancakes and both of you guessed the correct one for the other user, so you both get a point!

JULIAN: I’m not really a computer person, but I feel like this algorithm is kind of predictable.

DEE: It could be us, not the algorithm.

Sound: Train passing.

IRIS: When asked if you’d rather go on vacation to a cabin in the woods or a tropical island user A said a cabin in the woods and user B said a tropical island and both of you guessed the correct one for the other user, so you both get another point!

JULIAN: Predictable.

DEE: Did you only play Monopoly when you were a kid? You’re coming across like the kid who’d wipe the floor with the other kids at Monopoly.

JULIAN: I was more of a Trivial Pursuit kind of kid.

DEE: Hmmm.

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

JULIAN: Hmmm? What’s that mean?

DEE: It just means hmmm.

IRIS: When asked if you’d rather kiss your partner on the cheek or on the lips user A answered cheek -

DEE: Gotcha.

IRIS: And user B answered cheek also.

Sound: Train passing by on Julian’s end.

JULIAN: Really?

DEE: What did you think I’d answer blow job?

Sound: Error tone.

IRIS: Sorry to interrupt, users, but explicit content is not allowed in this trial version. Would you like to upgrade to the full version to unlock this feature?

DEE: Oh come one. Wait. Let me try something...job blow?

IRIS: Sorry to interrupt, users, but explicit content is not allowed in this trial version -

DEE: Smart ass AI.

IRIS: Would you like to upgrade to the full version -

JULIAN: Iris, stop.

Sound: Tone.

IRIS: Resuming game. User A was incorrect and user B was correct so the score is now user A with two points and user B with three points.

JULIAN: You’d really go for the cheek over the lips?

Sound: Train on tracks.

DEE: It’s more sexy then the lips if you think about it. Like have to ever sucked on a guy’s

JULIAN: Stop it, already.

DEE: Adam’s apple! A guy’s adam’s apple. Geez.

JULIAN: I’d rather not spend all our time testing how crude you can be before Iris shuts you down.

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

DEE: Like either of us have much better things to do. I mean. We’re on this app.

JULIAN: I don’t like having my time wasted.

DEE: Geez. Fine. Iris?

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

IRIS: Yes?

DEE: Finish the game.

IRIS: When asked if the world was ending today would you rather be with family or a friend you both answered friend!

DEE: Yes!

JULIAN: Huh.

DEE: Huh? What’s huh?

JULIAN: Huh. Just huh.

Sound: Train passing by on Julian’s end.

IRIS: User B wins the game!

Sound: Computer generated fireworks

DEE: Baller.

JULIAN: Why didn’t you choose family?

DEE: Why didn’t you?

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

JULIAN: I don’t have ...family.

DEE: Oh, I’m sorry

JULIAN: No, not like that. They’re alive, just not existing in my life. Not really. Holidays, birthday cards when either of us remembers. The occasional text. I’m not sure when it happened. They just became shadows. For them its probably the same.

DEE: Hm. So you wouldn’t want to spend the little time you have left at end of the world with them, got it.

Sound: Wind.

JULIAN: Do you know what friend you’d want to spend that last few minutes with?

DEE: Any, I guess. Doesn’t really matter. I’m cool with my family more or less, I just think they’d be downers at the end.

JULIAN: Ha. So you want a party-like atmosphere as the world is ending?

Sound: Train passing.

DEE: Maybe. I don’t how, but I want it to be surprising. Unexpected. Something in the extreme one way or the other.

JULIAN: So either unrestrained joy or utterly heartbreaking misery?

DEE: Yeah. Sounds good.

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

JULIAN: Me too.

DEE: Really?

JULIAN: I don’t know yet if I want to go out quietly.

DEE: What friend would you want to spend that time with?

JULIAN: Someone. Anyone.

DEE: Damn Iris, this game has taken a turn.

IRIS: Thank you for playing.

Sound: Tone

Hopefully this game helped you get closer to each other. User B will now be able to choose one feature to activate for the remainder of the session.

DEE: Yeah, I want to activate the -

IRIS: Feel free to take a few minutes, users, to chat about your answers and decide what feature you’d like to activate.

Sound: Train passing

DEE: But I’m ready right -

Sound: Tone.

DEE: Damn. Why do I feel like she just hung up on me?

JULIAN: Because she did.

DEE: It probably won’t come back until the last few minutes of the session so we only get a taste of the feature.

JULIAN: Well, they are trying to get us to buy the full version of the app.

DEE: No fun.

JULIAN: Wait.

DEE: What?

JULIAN: Please don’t tell me you’re going to activate the explicit content.

DEE: Okay hear me out -

JULIAN: I’m not having phone sex with

Sound: Error tone.

IRIS: Sorry to interrupt, users, but explicit content is not allowed in this trial version. Would you like to upgrade to the -

Sound: Train on tracks.

DEE: Ya we got it, Iris! And you, user A, you seem really sure of who I am after only talking to me for twenty minutes

Sound: Train passing.

JULIAN: I don’t know why I expected anything better.

DEE: Anything better from the app or from me?

JULIAN: Either!

DEE: Rude.

Sound: Computer keystrokes.

JULIAN: I just wanted to talk to someone.

DEE: Hello. We are talking.

JULIAN: Not like... Okay, yes like... Damnit I don’t know what I wanted exactly. It’s too much and not enough -

DEE: Woah. I’m sorry. It’s okay. I just wanted to say stuff without the content police chiming in every other -

JULIAN: I wanted to talk. Not play games or -

DEE: You could have bought the full version of the ap, dude!

JULIAN: It’s a waste of money since I’m only using it this one time -

DEE: The games are a bit annoying, but I might buy it just for shits and giggles.

Sound: Train passing.

JULIAN: There’s no point.

DEE: Our session hasn’t been that bad. I think we vibed... a little.

JULIAN: It’s not you. It’s me. I thought I’d get some perspective up here. And. I didn’t want to be alone.

DEE: Up where?

JULIAN: On the bridge above the train tracks.

DEE: Oh shit.

JULIAN: It’s quiet. The air quality quarantine is keeping everyone inside. Even the trains are empty.

DEE: Hey. Okay. Whatever it is, it ain’t that bad. Come on.

JULIAN: The company I work for owns the patent on my greatest accomplishment. Wheat that grows three times faster. Do you know how many people you could feed with wheat that grows that fast?

DEE: That’s awesome. Why -

JULIAN: They’re burying it. My research. The plants. It’s not... cost efficient to create a surplus. Capitalism.

DEE: Well fu-… just go grow some super wheat on your own.

Sound: Train passing.

JULIAN: They took everything.

DEE: You did it once, you can do it again.

JULIAN: No. I can’t.

DEE: Shit. Iris!

IRIS: Are you ready to activate a feature for the remainder of -

DEE: Iris! Do something, uh, track their location, send someone, anyone, do something, please -

IRIS: I’m sorry, user, Iris was created to be an anonymous source of connection, I cannot track their location.

DEE: I’m not asking for me. Aren’t you listening?

JULIAN: I guess she’s not as smart as we thought.

DEE: You know, it’s a real dick move to put -

Sound: Error tone. Train and outside sounds disapear.

IRIS: Sorry, users, but explicit content is not allowed in this trial version. You have exceeded the allowed offenses and will be locked out of the session for ten minutes.

DEE: You fucking kidding -

IRIS: Don’t worry the app will automatically reconnect after the lock out.

DEE: Wait, hey don’t hang -

Sound: Tone.

Sound: Phone Shuffling

IRIS: Thank you, Dee for purchasing the full version of IRIS and gifting the full version to your match, Julian! Now you can both enjoy the full experience IRIS has to offer!

DEE: You little shit!... Hey. uh...Julian? Are you still there?

JULIAN: I’m here. Dee.

DEE: Julian. Okay. Listen. I don’t know how to fix the whole super wheat thing. That sucks balls that those asshats did that to you. But -

JULIAN: But don’t jump off a bridge in front of a train?

DEE: Yeah. Please don’t do that.

JULIAN: Iris, how much time do we have left?

IRIS: Julian -

DEE: That ain’t a countdown to liftoff. Julian. Don’t you fucking dare.

Sound: Train getting closer.

JULIAN: You did say you wanted extremes.

DEE: This isn’t the end of the world!

JULIAN: It fits the parameters though doesn’t it?

DEE: Fuck you, Julian.

JULIAN: Alone with a friend at the end.

DEE: I ain’t your friend!

Sound: Train passing.

JULIAN: What?

DEE: I... ah...I said I’m not your friend.

JULIAN: Oh.

DEE: Yeah, you’re... You’re too sad... And you’re a prude... I feel uber judged talking to you. And you’re condescending to all hell.

JULIAN: (soft laughter) Well you’re a walking tech bro joke. I’m pretty sure Iris has more presence in the real world.

Sound: Tone

IRIS: How can I help -

JULIAN/DEE: Iris, stop. (Soft laugh with an exhale of tension.)

Sound: Tone

DEE: So we aren’t friends.

JULIAN: Okay.

DEE: So just. Don’t.

Sound: Train passing by but it’s further away now.

JULIAN: We’ve got some time left on the session.

DEE: Ya wanna keep...

JULIAN: Yeah. Sure.

DEE: Fine. Just go somewhere else. Get off the bridge.

JULIAN: Okay.

Sound: Shuffling.

DEE: Good. But. ...nowhere high, okay? Go somewhere ground level. Ground level.

JULIAN: Okay.

DEE: Good.

Sound: Footsteps.

JULIAN: Now what do we talk about?

DEE: ...Now you tell me more about your super ...wheat thing.

JULIAN: What do you want to know?

DEE: I don’t know shit about plants so tell me ...everything.

JULIAN: Okay... Grains are annual plants and only grow during their season, once a year producing only one crop per season, but what if -

Music: Commercially manufactured Zen-like music.

Sound: Tone.

Outro: Auricle was created by Felicia Dominguez. Iris, episode ONE: Companion Crops, was written by Tracy Hoida. Direction by Felicia Dominguez. Sound Design by Troy Cruz. With performances by Shane Richlan, Robin Feltman, and Katherine Duffy. Theme music by Troy Cruz. Graphic design and marketing by Shira Kresch. Special thanks to Tracy Hoida, Troy Cruz, and Maddie Wakley.. Auricle is made possible through donations from listeners like you. If you’d like to donate, please visit our website auriclethepodcast.com and view the donation page to make a one-time donation. If you are a fan of our work, please subscribe/follow like/rate us wherever you listen, or follow us on instagram or twitter @auricle_podcast. For questions or pitches, email us at auriclethepodcast@gmail.com. Thank you, users.

THE END.